| Symptom | Fault | Solution |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; front of shirt is wet. | Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Room is spinning. | Somebody is spinning your barstool. | Vomit on person doing the spinning. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held in incorrect angle. | Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self-control. | Go and stand beside nearest dog. After complain to its owner about its lack of house training. |
| Lap cool and wet. | Drooling on yourself. | Change position so that you're drooling at someone else. |
| Bat blurred. | You are looking through a bottom of your empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar moving. | Your are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. |
| Bar looks like a circus. | You're at a circus. | Go to a bar. |
| The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. | You have fallen over backwards. | If glass is still full, and no one is standing in your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. |
| OUT OF BEER. SYSTEM HALTED |
OUT OF BEER. SYSTEM HALTED |
OUT OF BEER. SYSTEM HALTED |